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| i try to just forget about it. don't think about the looming latter days, the distance, the fear. but in the sweetest moments, i feel the pull of urgency stinging at my throat. i try to memorize the warmth of his hand on my leg as we drive home, the back of his neck underneath my palms as i knead and try to make things just a little bit easier, the way my pulse still pounds so loud every time i see him, his strength and his weakness, so loved and so beautiful. god help me remember so i can survive. | | |
| i stumbled down the hall i made welts on my skin till the pain was just boring; i'm numb and i'm tired and how the hell did i end up here, again? and again. and where is my comfort? where is the place i can make some demands without shrinking back when will i become my own instead of begging to be owned by everyone around me? i spread myself too thin, yet i'm too selfish for what is needed. panic is screaming somewhere inside me, yet my breathing is slow and wary. | | |
| i used to feel the weight of your doubt like a second skin every breath was sucked through narrow passageways of fear as i whispered pleading prayers into the night air. now, i'm still blinking rapidly from the shock of living in a grey world for so long and suddenly seeing color for the first time. | | |
| when i fell asleep i couldn't run anymore so i wept all night long in fits of nightmares and everything i fear played out before me and i honestly think i will die if you go. when you go. and i need the answers: if when how long in order to string together these cold and barren facts into some kind of sharp sword of comfort so that my feeble mind can make some sense and somehow cope with the utterly terrifying. | | |
| i drove into the city's sunset and felt the cold descend. despair settles but how much of it is you and how much of it is my own and how can i even separate the two anymore? and what i really wanted to reply to your begging, what's wrong, please talk to me, tell me, why are you hiding? was that i love you, capital L Love. and i know i wasn't supposed to. but you can't blame me. and friendship kills me and relationship kills you, so which one of us dies? so far it's me. it's me. | | |
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